I don’t really think I have been even living as human for years. I mean, I have been eating, and breathing, and walking around among people. No one would know any different, but I have been just getting by for a really long time. Between all the working and school, and other obligations, I have been constantly moving. I have forgotten how to be anything but this robot that gets tasks done.
And this is not to say that I haven’t liked all these busy things that have filled up my life. I have actually loved them. I have been blessed with a million great experiences and have been changed for the better in so many ways. It is just that I had so many things going on that my days became lists on a typed to do list, and color coded boxes on my calendar. I bounced from thing to thing, and filled in every second. People would constantly ask me how I was doing it all. My quote was always, “I will sleep when I am dead.” And this wasn’t to be a jerk, but I couldn’t tell them the truth. The truth is that I was barely doing it all and I was so exhausted I thought I wouldn’t make it through each day. I could tell them that, because I saw the end, and I needed to believe I could get there.
The end was school graduation. And in December I received my Masters in Divinity. I loved Seminary, but having this completed meant I had the qualifications to follow my passion. It was always a means to an end. I felt God had a mission for me, and I needed to jump through the hoops to get there. The hoops are important, but my passion is in what is beyond them. And graduating, that is what started the stirring…
I have felt called to ministry for a long time, but this deep stirring, this pulsing through my veins. This is new. I can’t really explain what it all means. I feel urgency. I feel pushed toward something. I want to soak in the Scriptures. I want to pray for hours. I want to shake people and ask, “What do you think it means to be a Christian? Are you following Jesus? Don’t you see how important this is?” There is something I am being led to do. I don’t know what it looks like. I don’t know where my next step is, but I am trying to be open. Taking a deep breath in, and asking God for guidance. I know only that I want to be part of this irresistible revolution to teach people to live like Jesus, to love like Jesus. I am just an ordinary person, nothing special, but I am moved to be a radical. I want to show the world that God is love, through Jesus we have hope, and all we need is faith.
So here is my journey… whatever it is to become. May God use me for God’s work in this world.